Mom, Dad, Bev and I were driving through the hill country to a piece of land owned by Mom and Dad's church. We were going there to meet a former priest of the church (who has since moved away in real life) but Mom was the only one who'd been to the property before. We parked in front of this field that was full of grasses that were waist tall or higher and was enclosed by a fence made of galvanized wire laid out in 4"x4" squares and framed by unstained 2"x4" wood. The fences were about 8' tall. We walked through a door in the fence, made of the same material, and on the other side realized that a series of narrow passageways had been made out of that same fencing material, all jutting off in different directions, like a maze. Some had clear plastic doors, though, while others were made of the same galvanized wire and wood. Mom was leading us through the passages, which were complex and convoluted, and I was afraid we were going to get lost. "Don't worry," Mom reassured us, "I've been here several times. I know the way." I commented that I was surprised that people didn't get lost out there, to which she replied, "Oh, lots of people do. Parishioners have to call me all the time because they get lost. Even people who live out here get lost. That's why you'll see people pissing in their own front yards out here; they're so lost they don't even realize how close they are to their own homes."
Suddenly, we were back in the car, and it was parked in a dirt lot across the street from a row of rundown country houses. Our headlights were shining on a dude who was pissing in his front lawn while talking on his cell phone to someone, saying, "I just don't know where I am!" I could hear the voice on the other end of the phone going, "Just turn around. Turn... around!" Then I realized the pissing guy was Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock:
Then I turned around and looked behind us and realized that the lot we were parked in was in front of a row of food trailers that were all, like, country cookin'. You know... one was BBQ, one was soul food, one was cajun food, etc. There were picnic tables between the food trailers and the parking lot we were in, and gathered around the picnic table directly behind us were Jack Black, Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, Amy Sedaris, and Amy Sedaris again, but this time dressed as Jerri Blank. Yes, Amy Sedaris was there twice, simultaneously, standing right next to her other self.
We drove to another dirt lot not too far away, also filled with food trailers, but this one had Christmas lights strung up between the booths and over the picnic tables. Dad wasn't with us anymore, so it was just Mom, Bev and me. Mom and Bev wanted to go to the seafood trailer, but I wasn't in the mood for anything on that menu. I walked down to the next trailer, but everything on the menu was smothered in chili: chili burgers, chili fries, chili baked potatoes, etc. The next one over, however, was called "Baconlicious!!1!" (yes, with the number 1 inserted among the exclamation points) and served a wide variety of foods in large paper cups along with strips of bacon.
I read the menu thoroughly and couldn't decide what to get. In addition to obvious items like bacon burgers, bacon baked potatoes, and bacon and eggs, they had lobster/artichoke/bacon, penne/sundried tomatoes/bacon, truffles/risotto/bacon, sardines/bacon, sweet potato wedge fries/mayonnaise/chives/bacon, sushi rolls/bacon...the list went on and on. The menu was written in Japanese, and I was very proud of myself for remembering enough Japanese to be able to read it.
Suddenly, Baconlicious!!1! wasn't an outdoor food trailer, but was in a food court at a mall, and I was with Jay instead of Mom and Bev. Actually, even though it was a food court at a mall, supposedly, it looked a lot like the Jack in the Box on Guadalupe--or at least, what I remember of it from my old UT days. Or maybe it was the Burger King on Guadalupe. I can't remember. It's been a while. Anyway, there were signs posted everywhere warning that certain scenes from Avatar may be awkward for people with interracial friendships. Jay was disgusted, saying that anyone who felt awkward about interracial friendships should go back to the 19th Century where they belonged. I was just about to agree with him when these two teen boys - one black, one white - walked up to the soda fountain where Jay and I were standing and very loudly and obnoxiously said exactly what Jay had just said, verbatim. Jay looked at them with irritability and said, "Uh...yeah...I just said that..." The boys started laughing hysterically and walked off.
(As a side note, when looking for photos to go with this section of the dream, I found these two gems:
I was super thirsty, but the only beverage that worked at the soda fountain was Coke. I didn't want Coke, but I was desperate, so I filled my cup. They didn't have normal straws there, either, just those thick, narrow, candy cane shaped straws you can find in the holiday section of grocery stores during the Christmas season. The Coke kept getting stuck in the straw at the highest point, but would not come all the way out. I kept sucking harder, but it would just suck the straw flat, and nothing came out. I was super thirsty, and my neck was hurting from having to tilt it in that awkward, upside-down position to get to the mouth of the straw, but it never occurred to me to just take the lid off and drink directly from the cup. Apparently, dream-me was rather stupid.
There were jumbo screens suspended from the ceiling all around the building, and one of them was above the soda fountain. A commercial came on for condoms that were meant specifically for your car, and it was shot in the style of those obnoxious toy commercials from the '80s: the voiceover dude was talking in a really exaggerated, aggressively excited voice, the music was super-pumped up flying-V guitars, and the camera would zoom in and out repeatedly in quick, jerking movements. Also, the actors were dressed like horrible '80s soap opera stars with horrible '80s clothes, makeup, and hair. Everyone was shot in soft focus. The voice over dude was talking about how these car condoms were versatile, and worked great for:
*"Men going down on women!" - cut to a dude in the passenger seat moving his head down to the driver lady's lap
*"Women going down on men!" - cut to a woman in the passenger seat moving her head down to the driver dude's lap
*"Sex in the backseat!" - cut to this couple in a backseat making these really over-acted, unconvincing O-faces
*"Making pit stops at your boyfriend's house for a quickie on the way to work!" - cut to a woman tearing into a driveway in her maroon Cutlass, jumping out of the car with her gigantic brown leather purse, and rushing up the driveway towards the front door
*"...and there's even a special tip for sucking on nipples!!!" - cut to a dude placing a still-rolled-up condom over his girlfriend's nipple and then sucking on it through the condom. She looked right at the camera with her frizzy blonde perm flying everywhere and gave the camera a thumbs up. I asked aloud, "Why the fuck would you need a condom to suck on nipples? Mouth herpes??" No one answered me, though, so I never found out, sadly.
After the commercial was over, a short film came on that was made by Jay, making fun of the condom commercial we'd just seen. In the film, lego men played the parts of the director and all the film crew. I didn't get to see the whole film, but the part I saw was making fun of how their location scouts picked the house for the boyfriend quickie scene. The lego man director stood in the middle of the street and the lego man location scouts turned him round and round while he pointed his uni-digited yellow hand at the houses and did, "Eeny meeny miny mo." The score for the film was FlyLo's Adult Swim music.
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| Painting by Evan Lovett |
Suddenly, I was in Jay's truck with Nick and Benjamin. We were going to Thunderheart to get a bison. I was driving, Benjamin was in the passenger seat, and Nick was sitting between us. Nick turned to me and goes, "You smell like chocolate." I was like, "Dude, I told you I was going to start using that cocoa butter on the tattoo, remember?" He goes, "You know I like to eat chocolate. Can I eat you?" I replied, rather emphatically, "I am NOT a kangaroo, dude!" But then I jutted out my hip and pulled my pants down just enough to expose a few inches of skin and said, "Actually, I'm too fat around my hips and belly, so eat as much of that as you want." He pulled a fork and a knife out of his back pocket, leaned down, and actually bit the shit out of my hip. I looked down and there was a perfect full dental imprint on my hip, and it was starting to bleed a little bit. "Ow, dude! I can't believe you actually fucking bit me! That fucking hurt!" He sat up straight and looked at me quizzically: "Sorry, but you told me I could. Are you mad at me?" I looked at him for a few seconds and realized he was being sincere. "No, actually, I'm kind of turned on," I replied, "Who knew that being bitten super hard would be such a turn on for me?" Then I woke up 'cos my hip was actually, really hurting.
That last part of the dream is entirely due to an actual conversation that Nick and I had about cocoa butter and my tattoo, and this picture of Nick, in Australia, looking at wild kangaroos, with a fork in his back pocket:
